Time and Changes

In a few hours, a new year will be upon us. I guess it's time to reflect on the past year, and see if we've learned anything from it.

So to everyone I've fucked up this past year, I offer my apologies.
And to that specific someone:

I'm sorry for all the shit I've done to you. I hope you can forgive me, and learn to trust me again.


There. I'm done.

FH Christmas Card 2009

FH CHRISTMAS CARD 2009

CLICK THAT LINK NAO

Courtesy of YomToxic and the fuckheads at FH

It had felt like the longest time since I'd smiled.

Really. Really, truly smiled.

Thank you, my friend, for the wonderful day with you.
Thank you for making me smile.

Tonight I pay off all debts

I waited for the answer.
It was a "No".


I guess I assumed too much, took for granted the fact that I lost her trust.
This is me paying for my crimes.
I accept her decision.

It hurts. It feels like a knife is in my chest.

But I can't change things.

All I can do now is live.

Today I lay old ghosts to rest

A person I know said that people have moments of absolute clarity, when you see everything as it is, when bullshit fades and you see the plain, unvarnished truth.

Today, I had a moment of clarity.

I saw that I was letting the past choke me. I let it stifle me.
I was being poisoned, dying bit by bit.

I then knew what I had to do.

I had to let the past go.

I called the person in my past. talked.
I asked if we could be friends again. She wasn't sure.


I set the past free.

It doesn't matter now whether she says yes or no. It doesn't matter anymore. For the first time in almost a year, I am free.

Because I let the past go.
I buried the dead.
I gave the past it's due.
In the end that's all anyone can do. Well, that and live.

How low can you go?

Apparently, very low.

Life sucks then you die

I'm pretty much drunk while I'm writing this piece, same as most of my other posts. So anybody who gets offended, fuck 'em.

My head hurts, my stomach burns. It feels again like the bad days, when she left. It pains me. I feel isolated, alone. And some days, I just want to die.

I need redemption. I need you back.

I need you.....

I wish you were here.....

A year older

Today, I'm officially a year older. I wish I could say that I'm wiser for all that has happened the past year, but unfortunately, that may not be the case. The past few months being a case in point. I still love someone who says I shouldn't love her. I keep on torturing myself with might-have-been's and should-have's.

I should stop but I can't. She's my drug, my existence, my being, my muse.

I'm fucked.

You left me in hell, darling.

You threw me away to rot.

You left me bleeding.

See the cross you left me with?

I'll be carrying this for the rest of my life.

I hope this makes you happy.

Den of Randomness

A month or so ago, I posted a link to a webforum. I've been promising myself to write a site review and Finally, here it is!

Http://www.forkheads.net

Forkheads.

A very...random site!

A forum that started off as a place to get game cheats and hentai has become something much more.It's certainly not a site for everyone: but it's still a place I'd recommend you to go.

Don't take my word for it though. Check it out.

Caught in the grip of crushing despair

It must make you very happy, doesn't it?
It must have made you laugh so hard.
To crush me must be very exciting.
To destroy me must be the achievement of your life.

You've won.....
And I shall step into the shadows now without complaint.

The joke called real life

"See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!" -The Joker, "The Killing Joke"

Sometimes, I look around me and start thinking that the world is looking more and more like an insane asylum. Chalk it up to human nature that everyone focuses on things that don't make a lick of sense: people focus on stuff that isn't even what they really need.

Maybe we really are all crazy.... And we just hide it by laughing........

The Quest for Purpose

The past six months have been probably the most difficult time in my life. I lost my job and the most important person in my life. I've given up on one thing that used to define my life. I've contemplated ending everything. Well yesterday, as I watched the rain fall outside, I realized one thing: Life is stacked against you. But man never gives up: The fight's rigged but we can't give up. We don't know how.

http://forkheads.net/phpBB3/

Why?

Why did you have to go?
What did I do wrong?
Did I ever really have a chance?
I have to, I want to know.........
I need to know......
If I was the sun
And he was an eclipse
Then why did you run to the dark?

My Epiphany

I just realized today. Nobody fuckin' cares, so why should I give a shit? No one gives a damn whether I live or die: Not a one. It dawned on me that wearing your heart on your sleeve is probably the worst fucking thing you can ever do. It leaves you open to heartache and loss. It lets people fuck you up good, and everyone else just LOVES it when you're down on the floor bleeding: they all love kicking you when you're down.

Yeah, I just realized that no one cares. That and that I fucking HATE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. Rot in hell for all I care. I know you don't anyway.

Yeah, I'm an asshole and a jerk. Now get the fuck out.

I miss you

I still do.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being a colossal failure as a lover.
And sorry for being an even bigger failure as a friend.
I know I don't deserve to breathe the same air you do.
And I don't deserve another chance.
I'm sorry.

My last word on the matter

My beloved,

It’s been 2 months since you left. 2 months since my heart broke when you turned your back and departed.

I guess it would be safe to say that I haven’t gotten over you. I dream of you, I think of you constantly.

I keep thinking that there must have been something I could have done to make you stay. I made so many mistakes while we were together, did you so much wrong. If I could only turn back the hours, how I’d take back each and every hurtful thing said and done.

I tried my best to make you happy but I guess I failed. But you, you gave me happiness beyond what I ever dreamed of before, and for that I will always be grateful.

When you were in my arms, my world was complete. Now you’re gone, the world is full of shadows.

It sounds trite but I miss you. Each and everyday without you is torture. I keep willing myself not to go after you, like I really want to because my presence would only cause you problems. Problems you don’t need. So instead I keep to myself. And when everything becomes too much to bear, I tend to lash out at you. I’m sorry. It just gets too difficult to deal with.

I know that if I truly love you I should let go. But how can I? You gave me my balance back, and my sense of life. Without you, I am nothing.

Do you remember the bargain we made? That while we were together and we hadn’t reached the end yet and you tried to make an excuse to leave, I could have you indefinitely? I never took you up on that. Maybe because I didn’t want to force you to stay. Because I wanted you to decide to stay of your own free will.

So here I am now. Alone in the gathering dark of my life.

I love you. I want you back. Could it be any plainer than that?

PS:

This won’t change anything though, so I won’t send you this letter. You may or may not get to read this, since it’ll be up on my page anyways and you may or may not be viewing my page anyway. And I don’t expect anything from you. I just wanted you to know how I feel.

I hate weddings

A church, somewhere:

I sat at the back pews, watching the people at the church altar. I look and wonder at the looks on everyone’s faces as they watch the happy bride and groom. The old priest, his face lined with the years gone by, intones in his sonorous voice: “You may kiss the bride.” I turn my back and walk out of the church. I look at the sky, slowly darkening with rain clouds, and I whisper, to myself, “I hate weddings.”

Walking across the parking lot, I search my coat pockets and find what I was looking for: cigarettes. I pull one out of my pack and get my lighter out and light the bastard. The acrid smoke fills my nostrils as I inhale the cancerous toxins. So yeah, doctors say it’s not good for you, bit you sometimes need a way to release the stress, am I right?

I exhale and turn around to see the happy couple exit the church. I school my mug into a neutral expression as the last formalities of the wedding take place. The bride sees me from across the lot and waves her usual exuberant wave and smiles….. I smile back and turn around as tears flood my eyes….

I hate weddings….. But I loved her.